im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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