There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
