she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize