How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
