Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
my shit smells like andre
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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