so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
