Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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