Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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