Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize