So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
