No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
