he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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