Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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