Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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