I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
