Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
