Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
