yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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