I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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