I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
