He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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