ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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