I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
