i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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