I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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