So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
