we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
