you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
