Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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