you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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