i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
