I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My boob is missing a layer of skin
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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