hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
