twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
