i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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