I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
