Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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