I think im going to throw up on grandma
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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