just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
