Got a toothbrush?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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