they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
