things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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