I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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