awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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