Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
