I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
