If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
