I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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