I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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