he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
