Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
