Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
