Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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