3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
