Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
