Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
