Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've blown a few things in my day
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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