woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
