I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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