Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize