how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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