WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
