Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
