i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
