I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
