Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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