Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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