and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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