She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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