I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
