wakey wakey hands off snakey
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
