You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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