all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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