I wish I only lived at night.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
