I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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