I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
